I am having a hard time with this year... It came to fast. I want it to turn around, walk out the door and return 2007.. Thank-you, very much! Sadly, that will not happen.. It is here to stay and my little boy is not.. September will be cooling its heels on my doorstep before I even have the chance to bat an eyelash.. And I am saddened by that revelation. I didn't want this to happen.. Oh, I KNEW it would happen, just was in a deep denial.. I liked it there.. It was nice and my little boy was all mine. And the days were happy and shiney and filled with chubby little arms that hugged me so very tight. Those arms are not so chubby anymore. They grew and grew.. As did the legs.. I am amazed at the child that has been left behind. The child that grew 5 1/2 inches right before our eyes last year. The child whose chubby cheeks and arms are no longer there. Only a sweet memory of the little being that was here for such a short time. Oh.. he is still in there somewhere.. I know. BUT this one moves so fast. And eats so much ... AND is so loud! :) (I love him with all of my being..) And he still hugs me whenever I ask.. And still tells me I am "the best girl in the whole wide world". And that he loves me all the way to outer space... And that he will stop growing up and stay 5.. (I only wish...I only WISH)
We went to kindergarten screening the other day. He sat quietly beside me (something he couldn't do last year...LOL) quietly... we sat..hand in hand.. for a few minutes.. I soaked it all up.. I love those quiet moments, I keep them with me always.. AND then the teacher came and said his name .. He smiled real big and let go of my hand.. WOW! It was REALLY quiet.. Too quiet.. AND I watched in what seemed like slow motion.. My little boy walked down the hall away from me, hand in hand with the teacher... Away.. One last smile for Mom's sake.. I bit my lip.. "Don't cry in front of the other Moms..Don't cry in front of the other Moms.." I did it.. I pulled up my big girl panties and sat there quietly.. I don't like this quiet. This quiet is lonely. This quiet is sad..... A Mom said something to me the other day that I just didn't get.. "Wow, you must be sooooo excited to have time to yourself in the Fall..." No, that time scares me. I NEVER wanted that. Yeah, an occassional moment here and there to myself is wonderful! Don't get me wrong.. BUT an entire day filled with empty moments and no hugs, no "i love yous", no hungry child, no questions to answer... Only time... Believe me when I say I will count the minutes until 2:45 every single day.. And sit and hold that little hand quietly, child on my lap, arms around my neck... 500 "i love yous".... :) Oh, how I hope he stays this way longer than his big sister did...
I'll be okay. I know.... Thankfully, I have my love of photography to keep me busy!!
Blessings,
Stacy
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